This Ain't About You

Guys. Guys. Let's bring it in. It appears we need to have a discussion.

I really just want to give my guys the game.  Now, what I'm about to give you is considered a secret.  Matter of fact, the kid may have to disappear after I give this up because I'll be giving away the secrets.  Just know that I love you all, and all I ever wanted to do was spread truth, love and the Sex Positive American way.

Guys - if you are in a situation where you have a *cough* Fuck Buddy *cough*, and the women suddenly begins to creep you out because she acts like she cares, listen up.  No matter what happens - no matter what - I want you to go ahead and stand down. Don't call your boys talking about "she crazy! She wants a relationship!" No. Neaux. Nope.  Trust me.  That is the furthest thing from her mind.

It's not that she cares about you, or doesn't care about you - what she actttttuaaaallllyyyyy cares for is the dick.  There. I said it. We care about the well being and are concerned for the muscle that is between your legs.

When your "FB" randomly calls with that slightly awkward but sweet "So how are you?" She ain't really asking about YOU. She is asking her friend, Mr. Tal E. Wacker, about his day and how he is feeling.  When she asks "Are you doing ok?" What she means is "Did this jerk wash you today? Did he massage you? Did he protect you before he stuck you in that yamp? Do I need to come take care of you?" When she is "clockin' you" and asking your friends where you are, she is not asking because she wants to know if you're at the club - she is asking because she wants to know what time she send that "cum thru" text.  Trust me. She is having a whole conversation that involves you and doesn't involve you at the same time.

See, the issue is that women aren't allowed to talk that way.  A woman being blunt about her pleasure makes her a whore; us telling a man "Hey. This is really about sex and nothing more" often makes her the bad guy.  And truth be told - there are a LOT of men out there who feel some kind of way about a woman honestly saying "I don't give a damn about you - I'm checking on my friend, Mr. Dick MiDown!  Tell him I said hey!"  

Despite what ya'll say, ya'll are sensitive about your shit.  And we are the more sensitive sex.  So instead of making a big deal and hurting your pride, we often just let you think that you've got the power - that you are the man - that we are calling and being weird about YOU.

The truth is....It ain't about you.

When BLM meets Everything Else Matters But Your Black Life

Mizzou. It appears you have a serious problem on your hands.

So, we have heard about the hunger strike? A graduate student has refused to eat after proclaiming that Mizzou officials do not care about the racial tension or protection of their marginalized students on campus. And today, the Black students on the football team have said that they will no participate in football related activities until Tim Wolfe, the President of the school, resigns.

Black Lives Matter? Let me introduce you to Our Money Matters.

See, when this was just a lowly graduate student, this was ignored.  When the idealist Black man with no athletic ability speaks and does something drastic, the nation sweeps his actions under the rug - much like the student at Ole Miss who guarded James Meredith's statue or like the member of Phi Beta Sigma who ran across country to bring attention to the issues in Ferguson and Baltimore.  These actions, powerful in their own right, went ignored - by media and people alike.

But for some reason - when you play games with people's weekend hobbies and when you threaten the fabric of a unit - that catches momentum.

This is not to slam the student-athletes. On the contrary - I support them. I hope their families support them.  I hope those who call themselves the founders of BLM supports them. And I hope their fellow student athletes support them AND join them in their strike. But what I find sad is the calls to have these men - these Black men who are using their freedom of speech and assembly to bring light to an action - are being railroaded and treated as if they are scum. As if they haven't brought the university millions in jersey and game ticket sales. As if they aren't star students. As if they aren't ambassadors for the school. Have you seen the tweets? The statuses? My gawd.  Calls to take away scholarships, suspend players, and take legal action are coming from fans. Fans, mind you. Those who, if a player were accused of rape or some other crime, would stand by the player until the end of time. But because they are standing against a system, they are now the enemy. 

BLM meets Our Football Game Matters So Fuck Your Rights.

I Need To Call In Black

I need to Call In Black. 

No seriously. I need this to be apart of leave time at work. Sick days. Vacation Days. Family Sick Days. Maternity Leave. Black Days. Because living this life is stressful, breh.

"Hello? Bureau of Blackness? Chile. Look......."

Like, think about. We wake up to images and video of our men and women being abused, railroaded, and broken. Videos our arrests and death make the news cycle and are shown without remorse to family or friends.  Micro-aggressions about our vernacular, our sexuality, our religion or lack thereof, our womanhood, our manhood, our clothes, our forms of media, our family statuses are thrown around as if we aren't human. Like we ain't got feelings. And some days, we can take it.  Some days, we can roll with the punches, take the shots on the chin, and keep it moving.  Some days, we can deal with the professor calling us by the wrong name (Seriously? This it the second time I've taken you. YOU KNOW WHO I AM) Some days, we can deal with someone reaching up and touching our hair without our permission (I AM NOT YOUR DAMN ZOO) We can deal with other races telling us that we are too angry and we should just let things go (We ain't telling Jews to forget the Holocaust, but okay).  You can deal with people saying that Black Women are the reason the Black Community is so weak (We just gone ignore the systematic destruction of who we are? Shit. OK.) But look.

Some days. JUST SOME DAYS. You just want to call in and be like "Neaux. Noap. No. Nope."

It's on those days where I just wake up...angry.  Like every news story bothers me.  Every article about race engulfs and enrages.  And I don't mean for it too - but James Baldwin once said something along the lines that living as a African American is like living in anger daily.  It's like you have to watch every little thing you say; every social media post; every tweet; every Instagram picture.  People are WAITING for the slip - waiting for you to fall so they can egg on the situation.  Instigate the feeling of sheer...overwhelming frustration.  And when you are trying to be an example, it's HARD not to give in to the feeling of just.....slamming down a fist.

So, listen. I want to Call In Black today.  Perhaps tomorrow, too.  This means I'm not getting on social media. I'm not clicking any hashtags. I'm not responding to any tags about social activism.

And I'm definitely not reading ANY comments in the comment section of ANY news article.

Inferior?

So I'm having a conversation a few days ago and I was told "Men are inferior when it comes to sex."  An immediate eyebrow raise occurred and I swear, if we would have been talking instead if texting, I would have stuttered all over myself.

Wait.

Long story short, I was told that because women have stamina, and are multi-orgasmic, that means that our sexual prowess and made us the superior sex when it comes to....well, sex.

Yall KNOW I disagree, right. *follows head nod* See, yall know me so well. This is why we are who we are.

Now, I don't think that my love was wrong PER SE in the assessment. Nor will I say they aren't factual. Women do have a higher rate of stamina - recovery time on fleek. Annnnddddd the rate and amount at which we can achieve an orgasm is pretty  impressive (record is 222 orgasms during a Masturbate A Thon in Denmark) but the strengths that women have aren't really weaknesses on a man's part - and the lack of definitely doesnt make men the inferior sex.  Yall have penises for christ sake.

Penises.  Yes, we carry life - but yall must be around to CREATE it. Bruh. Poowweerrr.

But back to the topic. Easy, I forgot it (J. Cole voice) I think what one sex is missing, the other makes up. Men have to recover, but it takes women a little longer to get cranked up (you gotta rev us up like a Caprice Classic).  Women have the stamina - men have the strength (if you've never experienced the.....never mind. We wont go into that detail. *snarky grin*) I think thats what makes sex between a ♂ and a ♀ something great.

What one lacks, the other has. And both powers seem to play off each other - feeding into the frenzy.  That is definitely not inferiority - seems more of an exchangenod energy to me.

Besides - if y'all are inferior, lets discuss this little fact -

The ultimate download 

Feel The Bern

Sooooooooo.....Bernie Sanders is like....the liberal's version of Donald Trump. Down to the unruly hair and the consistent appearance of disheveled levels of  "I don't give a fuck."

My guy always looks like he is debating the prices of a corned beef sammich.

But hear me out tho.

I like Bernie. I do.  He seems like an interesting guy.  He is Jewish; grew up middle class; has been in public service all his life. And after a little bit of leaning (shoutout to the protesters - don't stop until you change their minds!), it seems that Bernie now THOROUGHLY understands that #BlackLivesMatter.  But he seems a bit....dare I say....out of touch....with certain things.  Well, let me not say out of touch.  But let me stick to my point. His thought process is a little dated. And a bit extreme.

See, Bernie has been in the upper part of the United States for a while.  Vermont to be exact.  And I think that the air has gotten to him because the whole thought of a utopian society of socialists isn't reality.  My guy believes that straight talk and honesty will get things done.  That singing Kum By Ya is the way.  I want to politely tap him on the shoulder and remind him that this is Washington, DC in the United States of America, and that he himself marched for Civil Rights - so he knows how this goes.  He knows that the methods he is using is one for books and movies - in real life, we are idiots who can barely tie our shoes.

He better ask Obama.

The last debate showed his naivety.  His lack of answers on gun control parellel Trump's naivety on Immigration reform.  His narrow scope of foreign policy reinforces what the war hawks always say about Liberals - that we are weak on matters of foreign policy and don't quite know what's going on.  Interestingly enough, his narrow scope reminds me a lot of Trump's.  It's not that they mean to be narrow minded - it's about environment.  Bubbles, if you will.  Bernie is stuck in Vermont; Donald is stuck in Manhattan. 

NOW, I'm not saying this in an effort to say "Don't vote for him".  I encourage you to go to his website and see what he is about.  And maybe I was a bit harsh for calling him Donald Trump?

A liberal version of Glen Beck?

That sounds a LITTLE better.

Toy Soldier

If you Google "Things you don't know or need to know about sex toys", you'll get a million articles from a million places all saying that same thing.  "The first known dildo is so and so age" and "vibrators were invented by this person" will more than likely come up.  These articles have been written by women and men, of all races and ages.  And as I got ready to write this - I found myself not wanting to be cliché.  I mean....everyone has covered this.  So what can I say that's different?  What can I say that's unique about something that is so natural - which is sexual exploration and experimentation?

I immediately thought about my first experience in buying something from an adult store.  Had I been to sex stores? Sure.  That was on the Freshman in College Bucket List - "Go to the back room in Record Rack" or "Visit The Hut".  So friends and I got our laughs by going to these places, looking and giggling about something that we were adult enough to see, but not really old enough to understand.  And while my friends and I were all pretty sexually active in college - none of us really UNDERSTOOD sex. (Truth be told, many of us STILLLLLL don't. But I digress.) So these trips and excursions were fun, but soon lost their flavor, as we moved to other interests and Freshman In College Bucket List Things.

I don't know what made me go back.

Curiosity?  Self awareness? I'm not sure.  All I know is that my sister and Brother in law gave me my first vibrator as a gag.  We were all working in the mall and they stopped by my job with a gift that they said I need to open when I'm alone.  "You need to relax," they said  with a smile.  Did I? I mean - I had a boyfriend at the time and things were flowing pretty well, so I laughed it off.  Until I got home. And opened it.  And there I was, staring at my kink for the first time.  It felt odd. Then good. Then weird. Then I just stared at it like "this is so not me."  Not in the sense of "I'm not this desperate" but in the sense of "I wouldn't have picked this for myself."   Listen. It was so BIG. Like "WHHHYYYYYYYYYY" type of big. Like "Oh My" type of big. Like "You are NOT sticking that in ME" type of big.  Yet, as I laughed and put it away, it made me wonder - what would I have bought for myself?

So, when I went to the store, I knew what I wanted and had an idea of what would make me happy.

Stop. Let me not act as if I'm some guru or like I'm soooo sure of myself   I was scared.  Literally scared to death.  It's amazing what I do and don't remember - like, I don't remember if I was by myself. I don't remember which store it was, but I know it was in Little Rock.  Like, I don't know why I thought I'd be judged by other people in a head shop, but I did.  Upon reflection, this was ten years ago - maybe I felt out of place because I didn't see faces like mine in the building besides on the pornography magazines and videos.  Maybe it was admitting that I was a "freak", as defined by other 18-22 year olds who had no clue about sex, either.  But no matter WHY, the fact remained that I still went in, scared shitless, and paid cash because I didn't want the charge to pop up on the bank statement that I shared with my mother.  Like, who wants to admit to their mother that they got something to get them off? Not I, said the little kitten.

Hm.

Since that day, I've done my share of purchasing. For others and for myself.  And I've learned that sex toys are porous, and have to be cleaned, and that they go on sale, and that there are groupons for them (Yo.) and that the industry for sex toys in a billion dollar business.  But you know what I haven't learned?

How to get rid of that "I'm being judged" feeling when I walk through the doors.

That ONE Friend

Ladies and gentlemen, let's discuss that ONE Friend.

We all know what friend who will do and say the dumbest things just to get noticed? That hypocritical friend that when he talks, you're like "Bruh.."?  That's Ben Carson to me.  A lot of people call him an "Uncle Tom" and a "Token", which I find offensive to my mans Uncle Tom AND my mans Token.

Token didn't take Cartman's shit for you to insult him this way.

And honestly, my issue with Ben Carson isn't even that you think the "white man's ice is colder."  Actually, I would like to think he realizes the struggles that a Black man has to overcome in order to make it in a society that begins profiling our sons when they are as young as the 4th grade.  My overall issue with Ben Carson is that he's a bigot. And an idiot. And a little naive. And a bit of a hypocrite. But a lot of bigot.

Have you heard some of the things this guy has said? First, it's problematic that as someone running for this position, you can't explain the debt limit or your take on what to do.  Secondly, those little comments that he made about the Oregon shooting? He only wants immigrants of the respectable sort, and then there are those pesky comments about Hitler and gun control - and dude even made a joke about it! And then was like.

I mean....but about those Jews and those guns, eh? EH?

 

 

Carson, much like any Republican, is a bit heavy on the "Do as I say, not as I do" tip.  He benefited from affirmative action, but feels that there is no need for it now because "race doesn't determine the underdog".  He believes that the Japanese deserved their form of reparations, but that African Americans don't deserve reparations for slavery.  Of COURSE, he has his nose in the womb of a woman, and I think that HE thinks that because he was in pediatric surgery, that he has the right to do so.

Lowkey....no. HIGHKEY. I think Ben Carson is auditioning to play the part of Vice President.  You know how all the Vice Presidents act when they are auditioning - everybody is being loud and extra wrong.  And extra simple.  And that's one thing that makes him that ONE FRIEND.  He's that one friend that wants you to know his triumph, but forget his struggle.  He's that ONE friend that plays on being Black when it's nice and convenient - but when it's time for our Black doctors to be on our side, he leans away.  Simply put, Ben Carson is that one friend that just....

Won't.
Go.
Away.

If I Say I'm Pro-Sex

When I say that I'm "Pro-Sex", what's the first word that you think of?  Or when a woman says she is sex positive - what string of words or sentences pops into the cerebrum?  Depending on who you are, you may think that she is a "hoe" or even (gasp) a "Thot."  Let's face it - fifteen years ago, you'd never hear a song about a man giving a woman head, and if you did, it would be so heavily metaphoric that you would have to decipher the code to understand that 'Hey. He just said he'd perform oral sex on her!'

And must we be reminded of the shocked that occurred when emcees like Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown began to openly talk about sex, their expectations and how it should be? Oh, let's go further back. Salt and Pepa, anyone?  Man, to think that those were the opening stages for a lot of young women's sexual questions (mine included because um - I wanted to know what a cock was) - and this was almost twenty years ago.

But even with this open shift of talking about eating booties and eating a woman until she cries, there is still little room for a woman to be open and frank about her sexuality, her appetite, and her prowess.  You'd think it was still 1996 and the Lil' Kim had made another head reference on a mainstream track.  Even Miss 65 Million Sold, Nicki Minaj, has had to take heat for her lyrics and overall sexual nature  - But why?

People view sex one of two ways - if you talk about sex too openly, you aren't wife(y) material and therefore, anything that is said can be dismissed with a simple wave of the fingers and a delete of the comment.  Or, she gets the DM slide.  Do I really have to explain the DM slide? Ok. The DM slide is when a guy or girl comes into your private messages, without warning, so they can proposition sexual situations or conversation.  Most are pretty harmless.  But many are predatory and vulgar.  Extremely. Vulgar.

But I digress.

I find it interesting how we have to remain respectable.  How we as women, even in 2015, have to act as if sex is not a fun act - something that even now we aren't supposed to be able to enjoy, much less discuss outside of....I don't know....knitting circles and "girl time" get together.  Eleanor Roosevelt once told her daughters that sex was needed, but cumbersome, situation, geared toward the pleasure of the man - and for the most part, she was right.  Mainstream didn't talk about the woman's sexual pleasure until the 60s, but by then, it was engrained in us that "Ladies" don't talk about the bedroom.  That "Ladies" don't discuss not being pleased.  Simply put - a person who has a vagina has no say so in the implementation of pleasure or sexual activity. 

But that's not the scary part, because people in general are not comfortable with others being open and honest about the dirty deeds that we do between the sheets.  What's scary is that there is an open push against the education and furthering of women's reproductive rights.  It's concerning.  I can only have baby on the terms of others - how is that freedom? How is that motherhood? Or womanhood for that matter.  Even when it comes to who speaks for us, we can't.  A few years ago, a panel went in front of the Senate to discuss the issues dealing with women's health, and the panel was ALL MEN.  Not. A. Pussy. In. Sight.  And trust me, when discussing those things that are sex positive and pro sex, women's health is important.  Just as important, if not more so, than what makes her quiver.  Dig me?

But look - questions? Comments?  We will be discussing Men's sexual health too (Guest blogger in mind?  Just give him my information)  Let's just call me the Hood Dr. Ruth (I just cracked myself up from that image LMAO).  If I don't know the answer, I can find it.  If I can't find it - you may have stumbled on something.

The Queen Has Returned

It's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you without some dope words to read through.

Seriously. I haven't touched this since 2013 because I got tired. I got frustrated. Oh but my babies, a lot has happened since then.

Trayvon. Eric. Mike. Freddie. Sandra. Rekia. #BlackLivesMatter. Hands Up, Don't Shoot. #YouOkSis. Baltimore. Ferguson. NYC. Bruh, I know I'm missing some things - but the truth is  - I didn't know what to say.

I didn't wanna be "that blog". I didn't want it to be alllllll political and black because that's taxing on MY soul. Being Black is hard enough - write about it every day? Shit.  Between my facebook, my twitter, my IG, I felt like I was beating a dead horse. But I didn't want to be a blog that ignored it. So I had to let these energies balance out. Had to find focus. Had to get back to me.  And sometimes, as a writer, that takes time. But guess what? I'm gonna quote our favorite fictional anti-hero right now.

"I'm back, bitches" - Luscious Lyons

So, no games. This month, I'm launching a podcast (I need a male cohort. Interested? Email me) I will be posting video content called "Mid-week Mind Games". Looking for guest bloggers, too. 

The Nerdy Nonconformist is back.
Your favorite loud mouth is back.

Hold on. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.