Shaming Our Non-Sluts

Gather around and repeat after me.

Stop Shaming Virginity.

Say it again.

STOP SHAMING VIRGINITY.

Stop this shit right now, fam.

See, in our quest to be "Pro-Sex" or "Sex Positive", we often only talk about those of us who openly speak on sex - how much we have, don't have, toys, lack of toys, BDSM, kinks, the list goes on and on. We put up a banner and call people like that "free". We hold rallies and tell them that they are amazing. That their sexuality is a healthy part of who they are and they should not be ashamed for being a red blooded, sex loving, sex drive having human because - that's what we are, right? Mammals. And mammals have sex. 

But in doing this, we have managed to shame those of us who AREN'T having sex.

Ever met a woman, or ESPECIALLY a man, who is over the age of 16 who is a virgin? Have you ever listened, I mean REALLY listened, to the way we talk about them? Or talk to them?  If we don't revert to treating them like children, we immediately go into shaming who they are and their conscious decision to not have sex.  We ask them "Why?" and "Are you not sexually attracted to people?" and "Do you not like the opposite sex?" and in many scenarios, we laugh at them and act like they are the weird ones because they didn't start dropping their draws at the first person who said they had a pretty smile.

All these reactions, however, are pretty fucking trash.

First, it's no one's business why ANYONE has decided to remain a virgin. In the words of my sister, "YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!" Some people could do it for religious reasons. Trauma. Fear. Mental health reasons. Hell, it could just be their damn choice to be a virgin until either marriage or they feel they have found the one. In whatever case - Stop asking virgins why they are virgins. If they want you to know why, they will tell you. And if they don't share why, leave that shit alone.  It's not your business - It ain't your body.

Also, virginity has NOTHING to do with sexual attraction, whether it be to the opposite or same sex.  And to assume that a virgin must be a virgin because they are gay is the stupidest logic known in the sexual hemisphere.  Like, what the fuck does someone not having sex have to do with their sexuality? Stupid fuckers. Always making assumptions.

And to laugh at ANYONE'S choice of what they do sexually is just....horrible.  Laughing at a person's life decision is like.....laughing at their life. Matter of fact, it is laughing at their life.  And their choices. And that's something that grown folks shouldn't do. 

Oh, this also goes for celibate individuals as well.  What they do ain't our business. Why they don't do it ain't our concern. 

You can't claim to be Sex Positive if you shame our non sexually active friends.  You aren't being sex positive.

That's sexual bullying.

Self Care Is Never Optional

Self Care is mandatory.

It is never optional. It can never be second guessed. It can never be placed on the back burner.  Sometimes, you have to unplug and disengage - for your own good.

Right now, it is open season on African-Americans.  Sorry, my white friends and readers.  This a sad truth that you yourself must face as well.  And social media outlets are overran by videos of shootings, articles detailing deaths of our people, opinions of how we should just "comply" (even though the proof is there that comply STILL means die), facts and articles about Black Lives Matter, or how Black on Black crime is more serious than police brutality, opinions of athletes and stars shouldn't deal or say anything about what is going on in our nation, and it's a lot.

It's a whole fucking lot.

So let me remind my people of a few things.

First, please keep in mind that you are not obligated to watch this snuff films of our people dying.  We do not have to consistently burden our hearts with the knowledge that our people are receiving punishments that don't fit the supposed "crimes" they are committing.  Why? Because history has shown us that our government and their officials will kill us whenever they feel the time is right.  So we need no proof. We need no videos. So please, remember - you ain't gotta watch what you already know.  You ain't gotta see what we have known since we were children.

Secondly, stop expecting all Black people to speak out and up about certain things.  I know this is hard. And I struggle with this daily.  I see things and I see Black people not even trying to acknowledge it and I just want to scream "WAKKKKKKEEEEE UPPPPPPPP!" The truth of the matter, though? Every Black person ain't down with the resistance movement.  Keep in mind - a lot of the push back during the Civil Rights movement was within our OWN community. So, stop expecting others to help - a lot of the ones pushing back are coattail riders any damn way.

Finally.

Self Care is important.

Self Care is important.

SELF CARE IS IMPORTANT.

Ain't shit wrong with taking time out to go play Pokémon Go. Or a video game. Watch a crazy TV shows. Or go see a movie. Or go fuck.  Forget what people say you should be focused on - or my personal favorite, what we should or should not be "distracted" by.  We as African-Americans go through a lot (PTSD.  I believe that's what we suffer from. Seriously). So taking care of one's mental health is an important part of the game.  Go do something that reminds you of who you are and why you are happy.  Indulge in things that you enjoy. That make you feel like you are human. Things that remind you that you DESERVE your space and your humanity in the most righteous of ways.

Because self care is never fucking optional

Self care is fucking mandatory.

I Ain't Sorry (No Beyonce)

So, I had to take a quick break, right? Because really. Healing from heartbreak is strange. Some days you feel really up, and some days - it's like being kicked in the teeth on a regular basis. But in this two weeks that I've been off the blog, I've been having conversations with family, friends, sorors, frat about - what else? - RELATIONSHIPS.  And sometimes, I feel like this:

Mr. Ed been catching that work, fam

Because dating is pretty rough.

It's even rougher when you are a sex positive, LGBT, Pro-Black, super politic, anti-bullshit over the age of 30 Black woman.

Yesterday, during a conversation with my sister, I brought up the fact that ALL conversations with men turn sexual - and it's annoying.  And, I don't think she meant to, but she hit me with the "Well, you are always posting something about sex. You should expect it" line.  I didn't get mad, but instead I got really, REALLY sad. Like, that cry until you get a headache sad.  That I don't feel like texting or talking to anyone sad. Because in a weird way, I SHOULD expect it.  I shouldn't be mad or frustrated because the reality of it all is this - men perceive what they see, and what people see is often their version of reality.  So if a man sees my Instagram page, which is full of sex positive quotes, endorsements of toys, statements about sex in general - he is going to assume that I'm a freak (By the way, I fucking HATE that word), and I should expect for every conversation to turn a certain way because sex positive means that you are fucking (and apparently means that you are fucking anything that comes your way.)

So, last night - I legit thought about scrubbing my IG, scraping the Sex Positive Sundays on the blog, and doing this whole Godly, wholesome image that will prevent men from treating me like meat and taking me seriously.  Like, I did.  Because I'm tired.  I'm tired of being talked to a certain way, deemed a particular way, perceived as some sex crazed animal - you know, the Jezebel or Sapphire media stereotype brought to life. And I'm scared of not finding the one. Absolutely frightened of it.

And then, I thought about Sex in the City. (Ya'll know that's my favorite show/set of movies). And I thought about when Charlotte stopped running because she had finally gotten pregnant. And Carrie looked her dead in her eye and said "You can't stop being who you are because you're scared, right?"

Bitch. Carrie. My Cosmo drinking, cigarette smoking, in love with Big for ten years Bitch.  You spoke a word.

So I woke up this morning, and smiled a slight smile.  Still heartbroken. Still jaded. Still annoyed to high heaven, but smiling none the less.

Because I am me.

A single, sex positive, LGBT, super political, anti-bullshit Black woman over the age of 30.

And I'm not scared of these facts.

And I'm sure in fuck ain't sorry.