Toy Soldier

If you Google "Things you don't know or need to know about sex toys", you'll get a million articles from a million places all saying that same thing.  "The first known dildo is so and so age" and "vibrators were invented by this person" will more than likely come up.  These articles have been written by women and men, of all races and ages.  And as I got ready to write this - I found myself not wanting to be cliché.  I mean....everyone has covered this.  So what can I say that's different?  What can I say that's unique about something that is so natural - which is sexual exploration and experimentation?

I immediately thought about my first experience in buying something from an adult store.  Had I been to sex stores? Sure.  That was on the Freshman in College Bucket List - "Go to the back room in Record Rack" or "Visit The Hut".  So friends and I got our laughs by going to these places, looking and giggling about something that we were adult enough to see, but not really old enough to understand.  And while my friends and I were all pretty sexually active in college - none of us really UNDERSTOOD sex. (Truth be told, many of us STILLLLLL don't. But I digress.) So these trips and excursions were fun, but soon lost their flavor, as we moved to other interests and Freshman In College Bucket List Things.

I don't know what made me go back.

Curiosity?  Self awareness? I'm not sure.  All I know is that my sister and Brother in law gave me my first vibrator as a gag.  We were all working in the mall and they stopped by my job with a gift that they said I need to open when I'm alone.  "You need to relax," they said  with a smile.  Did I? I mean - I had a boyfriend at the time and things were flowing pretty well, so I laughed it off.  Until I got home. And opened it.  And there I was, staring at my kink for the first time.  It felt odd. Then good. Then weird. Then I just stared at it like "this is so not me."  Not in the sense of "I'm not this desperate" but in the sense of "I wouldn't have picked this for myself."   Listen. It was so BIG. Like "WHHHYYYYYYYYYY" type of big. Like "Oh My" type of big. Like "You are NOT sticking that in ME" type of big.  Yet, as I laughed and put it away, it made me wonder - what would I have bought for myself?

So, when I went to the store, I knew what I wanted and had an idea of what would make me happy.

Stop. Let me not act as if I'm some guru or like I'm soooo sure of myself   I was scared.  Literally scared to death.  It's amazing what I do and don't remember - like, I don't remember if I was by myself. I don't remember which store it was, but I know it was in Little Rock.  Like, I don't know why I thought I'd be judged by other people in a head shop, but I did.  Upon reflection, this was ten years ago - maybe I felt out of place because I didn't see faces like mine in the building besides on the pornography magazines and videos.  Maybe it was admitting that I was a "freak", as defined by other 18-22 year olds who had no clue about sex, either.  But no matter WHY, the fact remained that I still went in, scared shitless, and paid cash because I didn't want the charge to pop up on the bank statement that I shared with my mother.  Like, who wants to admit to their mother that they got something to get them off? Not I, said the little kitten.

Hm.

Since that day, I've done my share of purchasing. For others and for myself.  And I've learned that sex toys are porous, and have to be cleaned, and that they go on sale, and that there are groupons for them (Yo.) and that the industry for sex toys in a billion dollar business.  But you know what I haven't learned?

How to get rid of that "I'm being judged" feeling when I walk through the doors.