Shaming Our Non-Sluts

Gather around and repeat after me.

Stop Shaming Virginity.

Say it again.

STOP SHAMING VIRGINITY.

Stop this shit right now, fam.

See, in our quest to be "Pro-Sex" or "Sex Positive", we often only talk about those of us who openly speak on sex - how much we have, don't have, toys, lack of toys, BDSM, kinks, the list goes on and on. We put up a banner and call people like that "free". We hold rallies and tell them that they are amazing. That their sexuality is a healthy part of who they are and they should not be ashamed for being a red blooded, sex loving, sex drive having human because - that's what we are, right? Mammals. And mammals have sex. 

But in doing this, we have managed to shame those of us who AREN'T having sex.

Ever met a woman, or ESPECIALLY a man, who is over the age of 16 who is a virgin? Have you ever listened, I mean REALLY listened, to the way we talk about them? Or talk to them?  If we don't revert to treating them like children, we immediately go into shaming who they are and their conscious decision to not have sex.  We ask them "Why?" and "Are you not sexually attracted to people?" and "Do you not like the opposite sex?" and in many scenarios, we laugh at them and act like they are the weird ones because they didn't start dropping their draws at the first person who said they had a pretty smile.

All these reactions, however, are pretty fucking trash.

First, it's no one's business why ANYONE has decided to remain a virgin. In the words of my sister, "YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!" Some people could do it for religious reasons. Trauma. Fear. Mental health reasons. Hell, it could just be their damn choice to be a virgin until either marriage or they feel they have found the one. In whatever case - Stop asking virgins why they are virgins. If they want you to know why, they will tell you. And if they don't share why, leave that shit alone.  It's not your business - It ain't your body.

Also, virginity has NOTHING to do with sexual attraction, whether it be to the opposite or same sex.  And to assume that a virgin must be a virgin because they are gay is the stupidest logic known in the sexual hemisphere.  Like, what the fuck does someone not having sex have to do with their sexuality? Stupid fuckers. Always making assumptions.

And to laugh at ANYONE'S choice of what they do sexually is just....horrible.  Laughing at a person's life decision is like.....laughing at their life. Matter of fact, it is laughing at their life.  And their choices. And that's something that grown folks shouldn't do. 

Oh, this also goes for celibate individuals as well.  What they do ain't our business. Why they don't do it ain't our concern. 

You can't claim to be Sex Positive if you shame our non sexually active friends.  You aren't being sex positive.

That's sexual bullying.

This Ain't About You

Guys. Guys. Let's bring it in. It appears we need to have a discussion.

I really just want to give my guys the game.  Now, what I'm about to give you is considered a secret.  Matter of fact, the kid may have to disappear after I give this up because I'll be giving away the secrets.  Just know that I love you all, and all I ever wanted to do was spread truth, love and the Sex Positive American way.

Guys - if you are in a situation where you have a *cough* Fuck Buddy *cough*, and the women suddenly begins to creep you out because she acts like she cares, listen up.  No matter what happens - no matter what - I want you to go ahead and stand down. Don't call your boys talking about "she crazy! She wants a relationship!" No. Neaux. Nope.  Trust me.  That is the furthest thing from her mind.

It's not that she cares about you, or doesn't care about you - what she actttttuaaaallllyyyyy cares for is the dick.  There. I said it. We care about the well being and are concerned for the muscle that is between your legs.

When your "FB" randomly calls with that slightly awkward but sweet "So how are you?" She ain't really asking about YOU. She is asking her friend, Mr. Tal E. Wacker, about his day and how he is feeling.  When she asks "Are you doing ok?" What she means is "Did this jerk wash you today? Did he massage you? Did he protect you before he stuck you in that yamp? Do I need to come take care of you?" When she is "clockin' you" and asking your friends where you are, she is not asking because she wants to know if you're at the club - she is asking because she wants to know what time she send that "cum thru" text.  Trust me. She is having a whole conversation that involves you and doesn't involve you at the same time.

See, the issue is that women aren't allowed to talk that way.  A woman being blunt about her pleasure makes her a whore; us telling a man "Hey. This is really about sex and nothing more" often makes her the bad guy.  And truth be told - there are a LOT of men out there who feel some kind of way about a woman honestly saying "I don't give a damn about you - I'm checking on my friend, Mr. Dick MiDown!  Tell him I said hey!"  

Despite what ya'll say, ya'll are sensitive about your shit.  And we are the more sensitive sex.  So instead of making a big deal and hurting your pride, we often just let you think that you've got the power - that you are the man - that we are calling and being weird about YOU.

The truth is....It ain't about you.

Inferior?

So I'm having a conversation a few days ago and I was told "Men are inferior when it comes to sex."  An immediate eyebrow raise occurred and I swear, if we would have been talking instead if texting, I would have stuttered all over myself.

Wait.

Long story short, I was told that because women have stamina, and are multi-orgasmic, that means that our sexual prowess and made us the superior sex when it comes to....well, sex.

Yall KNOW I disagree, right. *follows head nod* See, yall know me so well. This is why we are who we are.

Now, I don't think that my love was wrong PER SE in the assessment. Nor will I say they aren't factual. Women do have a higher rate of stamina - recovery time on fleek. Annnnddddd the rate and amount at which we can achieve an orgasm is pretty  impressive (record is 222 orgasms during a Masturbate A Thon in Denmark) but the strengths that women have aren't really weaknesses on a man's part - and the lack of definitely doesnt make men the inferior sex.  Yall have penises for christ sake.

Penises.  Yes, we carry life - but yall must be around to CREATE it. Bruh. Poowweerrr.

But back to the topic. Easy, I forgot it (J. Cole voice) I think what one sex is missing, the other makes up. Men have to recover, but it takes women a little longer to get cranked up (you gotta rev us up like a Caprice Classic).  Women have the stamina - men have the strength (if you've never experienced the.....never mind. We wont go into that detail. *snarky grin*) I think thats what makes sex between a ♂ and a ♀ something great.

What one lacks, the other has. And both powers seem to play off each other - feeding into the frenzy.  That is definitely not inferiority - seems more of an exchangenod energy to me.

Besides - if y'all are inferior, lets discuss this little fact -

The ultimate download 

If I Say I'm Pro-Sex

When I say that I'm "Pro-Sex", what's the first word that you think of?  Or when a woman says she is sex positive - what string of words or sentences pops into the cerebrum?  Depending on who you are, you may think that she is a "hoe" or even (gasp) a "Thot."  Let's face it - fifteen years ago, you'd never hear a song about a man giving a woman head, and if you did, it would be so heavily metaphoric that you would have to decipher the code to understand that 'Hey. He just said he'd perform oral sex on her!'

And must we be reminded of the shocked that occurred when emcees like Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown began to openly talk about sex, their expectations and how it should be? Oh, let's go further back. Salt and Pepa, anyone?  Man, to think that those were the opening stages for a lot of young women's sexual questions (mine included because um - I wanted to know what a cock was) - and this was almost twenty years ago.

But even with this open shift of talking about eating booties and eating a woman until she cries, there is still little room for a woman to be open and frank about her sexuality, her appetite, and her prowess.  You'd think it was still 1996 and the Lil' Kim had made another head reference on a mainstream track.  Even Miss 65 Million Sold, Nicki Minaj, has had to take heat for her lyrics and overall sexual nature  - But why?

People view sex one of two ways - if you talk about sex too openly, you aren't wife(y) material and therefore, anything that is said can be dismissed with a simple wave of the fingers and a delete of the comment.  Or, she gets the DM slide.  Do I really have to explain the DM slide? Ok. The DM slide is when a guy or girl comes into your private messages, without warning, so they can proposition sexual situations or conversation.  Most are pretty harmless.  But many are predatory and vulgar.  Extremely. Vulgar.

But I digress.

I find it interesting how we have to remain respectable.  How we as women, even in 2015, have to act as if sex is not a fun act - something that even now we aren't supposed to be able to enjoy, much less discuss outside of....I don't know....knitting circles and "girl time" get together.  Eleanor Roosevelt once told her daughters that sex was needed, but cumbersome, situation, geared toward the pleasure of the man - and for the most part, she was right.  Mainstream didn't talk about the woman's sexual pleasure until the 60s, but by then, it was engrained in us that "Ladies" don't talk about the bedroom.  That "Ladies" don't discuss not being pleased.  Simply put - a person who has a vagina has no say so in the implementation of pleasure or sexual activity. 

But that's not the scary part, because people in general are not comfortable with others being open and honest about the dirty deeds that we do between the sheets.  What's scary is that there is an open push against the education and furthering of women's reproductive rights.  It's concerning.  I can only have baby on the terms of others - how is that freedom? How is that motherhood? Or womanhood for that matter.  Even when it comes to who speaks for us, we can't.  A few years ago, a panel went in front of the Senate to discuss the issues dealing with women's health, and the panel was ALL MEN.  Not. A. Pussy. In. Sight.  And trust me, when discussing those things that are sex positive and pro sex, women's health is important.  Just as important, if not more so, than what makes her quiver.  Dig me?

But look - questions? Comments?  We will be discussing Men's sexual health too (Guest blogger in mind?  Just give him my information)  Let's just call me the Hood Dr. Ruth (I just cracked myself up from that image LMAO).  If I don't know the answer, I can find it.  If I can't find it - you may have stumbled on something.